Loneliness, Black Men, and Friendships: Part VII
May 14, 2007
Welcome back to the Black Male Friendship series! For those that are newto this series, it is my take on the current state of Black male friendships and how I think they should be improved. Today, we are going to talk about getting beyond superficial conversations that prevent real friendship from being fostered.
Step Your Game Up
April 10, 2007
If you cannot tell, I have a passion for relationship stuff. Why? Perhaps I am disturbed by the dysfunction I see every day. Or it may be because I am disgusted with American society’s approach to love, friendships and relationships. It could be because 90%of the disconnect between people are not that important at the end of the day. Whatever it is, I am intrigued by the challenge of trying to make sense of it all.
What has been on my mind lately is how complacent people can be in their relationships. It is disgusting. When they are single, they go to the gym, shower regularly, make sure they are tight. Then, once they have someone and they been together for awhile, they let their standards slip. They stop doing those things to keep the passion alive and to keep the other person interested. They settle into what I call the “Comfort Spiral.”
The Weekly Dream: Check Your Sources
March 30, 2007
“And the counsel of Ahithophel, which he counseled in those days, was as if a man had enquired at the oracle of God: so was all the counsel of Ahithophel both with David and with Absalom.”-2 Samuel 16:23
“Where there is no good advice, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors there is safety”-Proverbs 11:14
Growing up, the old folks used to say “opinions are like butt holes, everybody has one.” In the corporate world, they say that free advice is sometimes the most costly. Or to paraphrase, free advice is free because it is not worth very much. Now I would not go that far. Some advice is invaluable. However, I am constantly surprised at how often people take advice without checking their sources. And then these same people wonder why they keep running in place.
Loneliness Black Men and Friendships Part VI
March 13, 2007
The Difference between your boys and your friends. We have too many boys.
After a hiatus, the Black male friendship series is back! For those that are new to the friendship series, it is my take on the current state of Black male friendships and how I think they should be improved. Today we are going to delve into the difference between your friends and your boys.
I can’t tell you how many times I have been in situations where I learned that a friend of mine knew a guy that I knew and I would follow up by saying, “Oh that’s my boy.” It doesn’t matter if I only played basketball with him a couple times or he is my ace boon coon.
One of the major premises I have for creating this series is that Black men have too many boys and not enough friends. As a result, we end up fooling ourselves by calling dudes our boys when most of the time they are just associates.
So here is where I need your help fellas.
1) What is it about some of our boys that we don’t make them friends?
2) Do you feel you have too many boys? If so, have you ever cut them out of your life because they were not adding value to your life?
3) What is the main difference between your boys and your friends?
4) For your close friends, what is the process by which you went from associates to friends?
Categories:
Black Men
Friendships
Loneliness, Black Men and Friendships: Part V
October 18, 2006
Last week, we touched on the single brothers but today we are shifting our focus to brothers in relationships. Whenever I am in relationships, whoever I am with becomes my best friend. And if I’m not mistaken, I am sure many other brothers understand that feeling via experience. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Can we keep it real though?
Now if you have a woman that can enjoy watching sports (and you know how bad it can get during the playoffs), cook up a good meal, and can easily navigate between beauty queen and tomboy, isn’t it hard to not consider her your best friend?
My theory
My theory is that men are much more prone to consider their girlfriends their best friends than vice versa. I feel this way for a couple of reasons. For one, I think that a woman is better capable at balancing their friend life and their relationship life. Moreover, many men have become enamored with the idea of a “ride or die” chick such that when their girlfriend exhibits traits of loyalty, they get really excited whereas a woman not so much. So what this means is that when a woman wants to go shopping and the guy says he’ll pass, the woman will leave without thinking anything at all. On the other hand, I think if a man wants to watch a basketball game with his girl and she passes, I think men take that more personally than a woman would.
Hanging out
But can there be negative ramifications of having your woman as your best friend? I think so. For starters, I have found it difficult to make time to hang out or talk with my friends. To be clear, it is not a matter of being on lock down. It’s just that I wouldn’t choose to be with someone unless we had massive fun enjoying each other’s company. Having said that, I found myself having conversations like this;
My guy friend: B, what’s good man? What do you have up for tonight?
Me: Nothing much man, just chillin’ with my girl.
My guy friend: Well, if you don’t have anything up, we are going to roll out to the SuperSpade Lounge.
Me: I think I am going to pass today, maybe next week though.
If any man can say that they have been in a long term relationship and have not had a conversation like that, they are lying. However, the point I am trying to drive home is that conversations like that are not bad in and of them selves. But for me, and I think other men as well, the more rain checks you take, the more it becomes clear to the fellas that if it is the weekend, you are going to be with your girl.
But let’s take it a step further, have you ever had tentative plans to go out with the guys and then cancelled because of a) you didn’t want to leave your girl lonely at home or b) you knew that your girl would give you the look that says, “All you do is hang out with your friends?”
Everything in life requires balance and the fact that I see so many relationships fall into the “either you are with me or your friends” is something that must be stopped. Are you guilty of making your significant other choose between you and their friends? Before you automatically rule yourself out, let it marinate it a little bit.
Tongue-tied
As I stated earlier, whenever I am in a relationship, the woman I am with becomes my best friend. This has its perks but one of the major downsides is trying to express how I feel by prefacing it as a best friend or a boyfriend. One of the biggest issues I have is that I have a tendency to mince my words when I know I want to share something as a best friend but I know that it has the potential to cause confusion on the boyfriend front.
And I have said on numerous occasions, “Listen, you are my best friend and while our relationship is fine, please interpret what I am about to say with your best friend hat on.” More often than not, confusion reigned supreme due to the fact that I was expecting my girl to understand issues only another man would understand.
What’s also troubling is that with the current lack of substantive male to male friendships, it thereby limits the outlets we have to discuss problems with our relationships with the woman we are with. And for most of us we can talk to our female friends but that will only take you so far, knowing that a) your girl probably won’t approve of you confiding in another woman and/or b) the female friend you are talking to will not see the issues from a guy’s perspective.
This creates two potential dilemmas. On the one hand, you and your woman will get frustrated because while the attempt to communicate is a step in the right direction, she might feel inadequate by feeling that she can’t be there for you the way you need. On the other hand, you will feel like an unsuccessful teacher trying to breakdown how you feel in ways that she can understand. And situations like this highlight the need for positive and substantive male to male friendships because often times, you won’t be able to completely understand how you feel until you use your male friend as a sounding board. After which, you can talk to your girl and chances are that if you go this route, the potential for miscommunication will decrease dramatically.
Keep it real?
But what happens in reality is that whenever your boy asks how your relationship is going, you say “Straight,” only because we are so paranoid about saving face. So don’t wait until you must talk to your guy friends. When your boy asks how your relationship is going, just say, “Man, my girl is trippin’” or “Man, I’m trippin’.” If your friend is worth his salt, the conversation should flow smoothly after that. In Proverbs 17:17, it states: A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. Are your male friends born for adversity or just born to play basketball and hang out?
And I am not making an either/or proposition such that your boys or your girlfriend has to be your best friend. But while we consider making our girlfriends our best friends, let’s be clear that we have positive and substantive male friendships we can utilize as outlets and sounding boards.
It’s time to man up fellas.
Categories:
blackmen
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blackissues
Loneliness, Black Men, and Friendships: Part IV
September 29, 2006
For those keeping score at home, we are at Part 4 in our series on Black male friendships. Up until this point, I have not discussed the issue of how women figure into the situation. And because one post would have been too long, at a later time I will explore how friendships are affected by men in relationships. But today, we will focus on the single brothers.
Let me say for starters that it is probably easier for single brothers to manage more meaningful male friendships. However, this is not always the case.
When things are down, do you call your boy or your “friend”
One issue that many single brothers have to deal with is going through emotional downtimes. And for a myriad of reasons, it is easier for many of us to share our deepest feelings with women rather than men. Now I understand that if you need to get something off your chest, then by all means do what you have to do. However, we should take a step back to think of the long-term implications of never being able to tell your boy what is really going on in your life.
If we were really honest, most brothers do not use each other as sounding boards. However, it is not until a situation has either blown up or otherwise finished, that a brother will then share what happened. But we need to get to a place where we have conversations like this; “Steve, I have this situation and these are the options I am looking at, let me know what you think.”
And since conversations like this are not widespread, it is often the case that brothers will turn to their girl “friends” for comfort. But here’s the twist, whether you are attracted to the woman or not, there is something very intoxicating having a woman listen to your woes while your head is in her lap, figuratively speaking. Now I am not saying brothers shouldn’t be talking to sisters but I am challenging brothers to be honest about what is accomplished after they have heart to hearts with their girl “friends.” Do you get sound, practical advice that you use to help your situation? Do you start out trying to get sound advice but end up talking about topics completely unrelated? Are you intentionally unintentionally laying the foundation for a relationship? Do you find yourself more attracted to this person after talking and/or are you sending signals that might be misconstrued that you may want more than just friendship?
I pray that at least one of these questions speak to you where you are at. My point though is that the majority of these issues could be alleviated if brothers had the courage to have more meaningful conversations beyond work, women, and sports. To be clear, this is not an either/or proposition, such that brothers should only talk to women or men. However, the current balance is heavily in favor of women and we need to tip the balance in the other direction.
Psuedo-girlfriends
For players and non-players alike, it does you no good to be running around with pseudo-girlfriends because you afraid to be lonely. Do some self-evaluation so you can be a better boyfriend/husband for your next relationship. What I mean by pseudo-girlfriend is someone (where there is an established mutual attraction) who fulfills one or some of your needs, but you have no intention of making her your girlfriend. Some examples include but are not limited to physical intimacy, spirituality, emotional support, intellectual debate, hanging out, etc. Situations like this are one of the sure fire ways to guarantee an argument framed around, “What are we?” or “Are we building something serious or not?” So beyond having clear communication, it is important to take advantage of being single and use that time to grow in all the ways you deem important. However, this constant girlfriend status (real or pseudo) does little to help this process. Nor does it help the women who think they are building something that is really all smoke and mirrors.
And if you can’t talk to your friends about real issues, why are they your friends to begin with?
In a word, get off the bosom fellas,
Stay up fam,
Categories:
friendships
blackmen
blackissues
Loneliness, Black Men, and Friendships: Part III
September 2, 2006
If you think back to your father or other male figures in your life growing up, do you remember at some point, one or more of them trying to school you on how to engage the opposite sex? Now hold that thought and compare that to how many times a Black man has taught you how to be a good friend to other brothers? My point exactly…
The fact is many of us did not grow up with positive examples of Black male friendships. For example, think about those of us fortunate enough to know and have relationships with our fathers. Can you name two of your Dad’s closest friends? Have you ever been with or seen your Dad hang out with other men? What about over-hearing your Dad talk to his friends on the phone? If my hunch is correct, many of us can not answer the aforementioned questions in the affirmative. And if you don’t know your father, then I can imagine how much harder it would be to get these examples from say, uncles, boyfriends, etc.
But what do we remember? Things like learning how to play a sport, working on the car, doing lawn maintenance, etc. And not that any of these things are wrong, I think they are important experiences that should be cherished. However, I wonder why male to male friendships are assumed to be something that just happens naturally.
I assume part of this thinking comes from the fact that growing up, we made friends with whoever was on the block and everything seems cool. To make it easier, most of our childhood friendships consisted of three components; playing games, telling jokes, and eating like cows. And for most of us, this formula hasn’t changed that much as we transitioned to manhood. The problem with this trajectory is that as life becomes increasingly complex and difficult; the qualities of our friendships don’t reflect the same nuance.
Therefore, my concern is the lack of examples of positive Black male friendships that would encourage us to take better care of our male friendships (our brothers by extension). Because unfortunately, after the games of our youth get old, the examples we have of pure, healthy, male friendships fade quickly, if they ever existed at all. And when I say take better care of our male friendships, I am primarily interested in whether or not you make each other better people. And if all you do is debate sports when you really need to be venting about how you are desperately trying to save your marriage, then there is a structural problem we have to deal with.
Are there any examples outside of family, church, etc. where we see examples of positive Black male friendships? I submit to you that to our detriment, the media has saturated us with unreal or perverted examples of positive Black male friendship. To be sure, I’ll ask my music connoisseurs when they have heard of a song by a Black man talking about positive male friendship (and tribute songs to the deceased do not count). That was easy, but what about movies/television shows? I honestly can’t think of one, but I reserve the right to be wrong and encourage you to correct me by posting comments and telling me how this example has helped you.
So coming back full circle, how is it that Black men learn what it means to have positive Black male friendships? Are there any people in your life that either taught you the art of friendship or do you remember any examples that were particularly helpful? If not, how did you learn friendship? Do you think friendship comes naturally? What examples do you wish you had growing up?
Stay up fam,
Brandon Q.
Loneliness, Black Men, and Friendships: Part II
August 8, 2006
What’s up Superspade family, this post represents Part II of my series concerning Loneliness, Black Men, and Friendships. Today we are going to address the paranoia that concerns Black male friendships and the suspicion of homosexuality. It is time to talk about the elephant in the room.
This post is specifically dedicated to my nephew, whose relentless curiosity and dedication to living a Godly lifestyle never ceases to amaze me. Keep the faith little homie,
Love, Uncle Brandon.
To kick off our discussion, I turn to Lady B, whose comment on the first post sets the stage perfectly,
“If you want to see something dear just watch little boys playing and sharing together in kindergarten and first grade - then something happens and they are taught that they are not suppose to be close or love other boys unless they are gay this is not right.”
Young kids, Black boys in particular, are being robbed of their innocence earlier and earlier. For example, when I grew up in Detroit, my best friends became my “play” cousins. For those of you that have never heard of this term, a “play” cousin is someone who is a close friend so much that you can depend on them like you would a member of your family. In the Black community, a play cousin carries with it a measurable amount of significance. Now can you remember the last time you heard Black men or Black folks for that matter, talk about play cousins or some similar moniker? I certainly can’t remember and I think similar traditions that Black men used to engage in represent a downward shift in the innocence that used to define healthy Black male friendships.
Now fast forward to current debate about brothers on the down low. Thanks to JL King, brothers all over the country are having their sexuality questioned overtly or implicitly. To be clear, I believe that the health and emotional fall out from brothers being on the down low is indeed a legitimate problem in the Black community. However, maybe we should rethink our efforts to encourage brothers to be honest about their sexual activities. I say this because I think we have made it so that many heterosexual Black men, in attempts to avoid suspicion, have withdrawn from their Black male friendships and overcompensated in their female relationships.
So now we find ourselves with Black men with a jaded sense of innocence combined with a barrage of suspicions surrounding their sexuality. These two factors I believe work together to destroy sound friendships between Black men.
Some of the effects of the down-low paranoia have caused Black men to engage in the following behavior to various degrees;
1) We for the most part feel comfortable hanging out with the guys, but a certain stigma surrounds hanging out with just one of our friends.
2) Our sexuality has become more of a central part of what we define as masculinity. As a result, some men to overcompensate their love and appreciation of women almost to the extent of becoming womanizers in order to prove they are not homosexuals.
3) There is a more marked shift between having boys and having friends. Focusing more on having boys enables men to do guy things while keeping enough emotional distance from each other to maintain deniability.
4) We have come to rely on our female friends to be our male friend fill-ins.
5) We don’t use each other as sounding boards before the jinks goes down. This is because we rarely ever tell our male friends anything of substance unless our plans or mistakes have been obliterated.
6) Unless we have something specific to talk about, we don’t call just to touch base and see what is going on in each other’s life for fear of looking like we are keeping too many tabs on our male friends.
7) We don’t feel comfortable sharing emotions with our male friends because if we even do that to begin with, we typically focus these conversations towards our female friends. We rarely tell our male friends that we appreciate them being there for us when they helped us through that tough situation. Or God forbid, we wouldn’t be caught dead telling our male friends that we love them (look up agape and phileo in the Greek language).
Of course, this list could go on and on, but I want you to add to this list based on your own observations and/or experiences. Nevertheless, I don’t think anyone could reasonably argue that the down low paranoia has not affected the quality of Black male friendships. As such, it behooves us to continue to address brothers leading double sexual lives (this includes cheating with other women too!) but at the same time, we have to create and protect spaces for Black men to share in meaningful dialogues. But when we cast a shadow of doubt over Black male friendships, we end up endangering these spaces and create more problems than we solve.
So let me leave you with these questions,
For the men, have you allowed other people’s suspicions affect the way you interact with other men in the light of the community concern about brothers on the down low?
How do you think the down low paranoia has affected the quality of Black male friendships?
How can we address this issue without endangering healthy Black male friendships?
Looking forward to your responses as we call out the elephant in the room,
Stay up fam,
Brandon.
Loneliness, Black men, and Friendships: Part I
July 27, 2006
Superspade family, I am starting a 12-part series dealing with Loneliness, Black men, and Friendships. I think this issue is a silent crisis that is crippling Black men and our ability to forge meaningful relationships with each other while also seriously undermining our coping skills as life presents constant challenges. To be sure, I bounced around the ideas I had for this series with a handful of folks and based off the spirited exchanges, I knew God placed this issue on my heart for a reason.
And while this series will deal exclusively with Black men, it is applicable to a wide range of people. So I encourage men and women to add their thoughts as I am sure the issues discussed will broaden as deep and wide as the glaciers that span the polar ice caps. So to break the ice as it were, I thought I should kick things off with an introduction.
So imagine this, a young Black man in his late twenties to early thirties is preparing to get married. Everything is going fine; he and his fiancée are going through pre-marriage counseling and they joke about how silly it is to compare and contrast the prices for seat covers. So one night, the bride-to-be gives her fiancée the list she compiled for all the bridesmaids she wants to have in the wedding. She asks him what he thinks and her man looks over the list of five bridesmaids and says, (like Eddie Murphy in Raw) “OK.” The bride-to-be then informs her fiancée that he needs to find five groomsmen.
That scenario inspired this whole series because the fact is, most men do not have five best friends they can count on to be groomsmen in their wedding. I know most guys will recruit some family members to fill in the empty spots but for our purposes, let’s assume there will be no family fill-ins even though family can be your friends as well.
Do you have five close male friends you can call on? Really ponder that for a moment.
I surely don’t have five close male friends I could call on and I am sure many other Black men fit this same profile. And let’s not get caught up in semantics here, if you have three Black male friends, I am not saying you need to pick up two more. However, it is imperative that we take a bird’s eye view and understand what is happening to the quantity and quality of our Black male friendships as many of us suffer in silence, no matter the socioeconomic status.
Additionally, the machismo culture we live in has done a number on lessening the quality of Black male friendships as materialism and the quest for women has occupied far too much of our time and resources. You may ask why I keep harping on friendships between Black men, and here’s why. I believe that that when a man can share his hopes, heart, and fears with another man, that avenue empowers the entire community, period.
Moreover, I believe many Black men have learned to depend too much on female friendships to the point where we only feel comfortable sharing our emotions (if we even do that) with women. And as many of you can attest, the plethora of male-female friendships presents a whole range of issues that I will delve into later in the series. So regardless of your personal ratio of male friends to female friends, our community will prove to be so much stronger if we can better negotiate same gender friendships. This is particularly poignant when we can create spaces for Black men that facilitate friendships that are long-lasting, meaningful, and uplifting.
And so we are on the same page, I am coming to grips with my own issues concerning Black male friendships, so this series is less concerned with me coming up with answers rather than asking the right questions. My experiences and observations and conversations throughout my lifetime largely inform this series which means that if you disagree with I am trying to make, please make your presence felt. We all come from different walks from life so I will ask you the reader to help make this mosaic of understanding deeper levels of Black Thought as it concerns, Loneliness, Black Men, and Friendships.
There will be new posts once a week, so watch out for the second part in this series as we explore how Black men can come to grips with the fact that we don’t have many friends without sounding sappy.
Stay up fam,
Brandon
Waiting on Friendship
July 23, 2006
A couple of weeks ago I was listening to the Diane Rehm Show on NPR. Her guest was Joseph Epstein and he was discussing his most recent book, “Friendship: An Expose”. There was one part of the interview that was very interesting. Joseph described the difference between people who initiate the work needed to maintain friendships and those that. Keep reading to find out what description best describes you and other thoughts I have on the often misunderstood notion of friendship.
Joe described “initiators” as people who make a point to keep in touch with their friends. Whether it’s calling, email, or making plans to go out, these people don’t wait for their friends to get in touch with them. That sounds like you right?
Sure it does. But listen to how Joe describes waiters; these people may have many friends but they are often time in a state of anticipating being interrupted by a call or email. Rarely do waiters take the time/energy to interrupt their own lives to contact their friends. I would interpret waiters as people who get really excited when they see emails from other people with subjects like, “Where have you been?” or “Long time, no see.” However, when it comes to heartfelt emails like these, waiters click “open” and not “send.”
More specifically, Joe briefly discussed that many more people describe themselves as lonely and feel like there is no one they can talk to. He went on to point out that research shows that the majority of people who are married, only talk to their spouses about sensitive issues whereas past research shows men and women used to cite neighbors, church members, etc. as other people they confided in addition to their spouses. (I apologize for not citing the research but you can listen to this show by visiting this site.)
I think this sense of loneliness is one of the most underrated issues facing our society. And for people not involved in romantic relationships, I believe this sense of loneliness is compounded. Let me know how you feel about this sentiment.
Though Epstein didn’t touch on this issue directly, I don’t think we can talk about friendship without discussing how technology has enhanced or hindered the modern-day friendship. I think members of my generation generally lack the necessary tools/knowledge to maintain healthy friendships. On one hand, I think that cell phones, email, and social networks do a wonderful job of helping us keep in contact with people that we would otherwise probably never speak. However, the massive amounts of connections we make are frequently maintained by generic discussion points/questions that are easily transferable.
And for the people we call our friends, there is a tendency to use technology as a barrier for allowing people to really probe into our lives. We can see this all the time like when you have bad news or you don’t necessarily want to talk, you send an email. When you don’t want to continue having a probing conversation over the phone, we pretend we have to go or just not answer the phone. And argue?!? Rarely do you see healthy arguments anymore so everywhere you go, there is a permanent sense of fakeness due to the fact that too many of us are not honest enough to ask tough questions or say something as simple as, “I don’t like that you did X because of Y.”
There are numbers on your cell phone that you scroll through everyday knowing good and well you are never going to call them, that is unless, they are calling you. And if and when these people do call, we make fake promises to keep in touch or promise to talk at least once a month. But we don’t follow up.
But do we have to tolerate such high levels of charades? I don’t think so. However, I think all of us have some waiter and initiator qualities. Unfortunately, because the notion of sacrifice is virtually non-existent, it so much easier to blame our lack of friendship building on how busy we are. You are not that busy!
But if you think you are that busy, here are some tips to help maintain healthy friendships.
Call people after 9 and even if they don’t pick up, leave a message. Too many of us call people hoping they don’t answer the phone. So why are you calling them in the first place?
If your friends are local, finding time to see them will not put the biggest wrinkle in your schedule. Think about how much time we watch TV, surf the internet, and other mindless activities. Like I said, you are not that busy. However, I suggest finding a way to weave friends in your life. For example, my friend Dumi had plans to see Tavis Smiley’s Covenant Tour at Greater Grace Temple in Detroit. He dropped me a quick email asking me if I was going. I was thinking about going any, but because of his email, we are able to kill two birds with one stone. Now had he not called me, I probably would have seen him after it was over and we would have said hi and that would be it. But that is just one example of how seeing someone in person doesn’t require such extensive planning.
Use email to supplement conversations, not replace them.
Don’t waste time focusing on mind numbing questions like, “How is the job going?” “It’s cool.” Ask meaningful questions whose responses are not automatic or anticipated. Here’s a good rule for people you don’t talk to all the time, ask and answer a meaningful question. And if the other person can’t think of a question, answer your own.
Find ways to bless your friends. It takes less than you think. I have friends who I know might be fans of a certain team so if I see an article on espn.com, I’ll forward them that article. Or if you know someone who is preparing for something bigger and better (which appears to be most everybody) don’t just ask them how its going, but find out if there is someone you know that can help them or send them resources that will be helpful in their life path.
Pray for your friends. Not just when they ask you to but for as much as family is the default prayer request, try staying in your prayer closet a little while long to make sure that your friends are covered.
Like I said, I think all of us have waiter tendencies, I just hope this post encouraged you to be more of an initiator. I know I am guilty of not being a good friend on many fronts. So just know that I write for myself first. But after all is said and done, I hope this blog and this post will help us build stronger and healthier friendships.
Don’t wait, initiate
Stay up fam,
Brandon Q.
